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venusunfolding
11 November 2009 @ 12:09 am
It’s not (only) about love.

This note comes from conversations that I’ve had with friends over the past week. I’m not tagging anyone in it, but I hope you all read it. (I'm cross posting this from facebook)

I have some issues with the institution of marriage. Actually, I have a lot of issues with the institution of marriage. These issues stem from the example my parents showed. Some of them are from coming out around older gays fifteen years ago who thought that marriage was something straight people did, and something gay people didn’t need at all. It’s also no surprise that most of my issues with marriage come from it being used as a weapon attack me, and those that I love.

I was talking to a straight friend the other evening and mentioned that I have issues with marriage itself, but am willing to put those aside for the legal protections that come with it. He said he thought marriage was about love.

It is. Marriage is completely about love. However, for gay couples we don’t have the luxury getting married for love. I can’t speak for all gay couples, so I’ll just speak for myself. To me, marriage is about protection. It’s about making sure that if something happens to me, it’s going to be Matt who gets to make decisions regarding my care. That’s just the tip of it.

There are currently 5 states that allow some kind of gay marriage or civil union. There are 26 that have constitutional amendments banning gay marriage. Only 2 or 3 states recognize same-sex marriages performed outside of their state. That means if you cross state lines you aren’t legally married anymore. That means if you or your spouse gets promoted or relocated, you probably won’t be able to move and have your marriage “count.”

So why does it make a difference whether a gay marriage is recognized by an individual state or the federal government? First, there’s the crossing state lines issue. Second, there are at least 1,138 federal rights that are granted to straight married couples that are denied gay couples. These 1,138 federal rights are some important ones.

Here are a few of them: (I’m in no way a legal scholar; so if I get some of these a little wrong, don’t kill me. You can read the official list of them here http://www.gao.gov/new.items/d04353r.pdf)

1. Tax Breaks – We can’t file as married on our yearly tax returns, which results in us paying more taxes than our straight counterparts
2. Health Insurance – Most companies do not off same sex partner health benefits, and those that do often charge more for the coverage.
3. Hospital Visitation – In 2007, a lesbian couple was in Florida on vacation when one of them had an aneurysm. She was taken to the hospital, but her partner and their adopted children were kept from seeing her. She died alone without her loved ones near her. (Read more about that here http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=7633058&page=1&page=1)
4. Power of Attorney – Remember the Terri Schiavo case? How her parents wanted one thing and her husband wanted another? Cases like that are generally rare, unless you’re gay. The wife of the lesbian that had the aneurysm had papers giving her the right to make medical decisions for her wife. The hospital ignored them.
5. Funeral Planning – There are laws that dictates who can legally make funeral arrangements for a deceased person. That law does not include domestic partners. In Rhode Island a bill was introduced to add them and the governor vetoed it. That means if I wanted to be cremated, and Matt wanted to do that for me, but my parents wanted be buried instead, Matt would have no legal right to make that call. http://joemygod.blogspot.com/2009/11/ri-gov-don-carcieri-dirty-queers-do-not.html
6. Spousal Privilege – You know that deal about not being able to force a husband or wife to testify against their spouse? Yeah, that doesn’t apply either. Rosie O’Donnell’s wife actually had to testify against her once.
7. Inheritance Rights – If Matt dies and leaves me his portion of our house in his will, since I’m not legally his spouse I would have to pay taxes on that half of the house. Taxes that we’ve already paid. Taxes that could potentially cause me to lose my home shortly after I lost my husband.

That’s just a small fraction of them. Those are just the ones that I know off the top of my head and understand.

For me, that is what marriage is about. I don’t need the government to recognize my love for Matt. I need them to stand up for me and protect the rights and decisions that he and I should be able to make for each other.

(I’ll put a disclaimer on this next sentence. If it sounds bitter, that is in no way my intention. In no way do I wish that anyone would have to worry about these things.) I wonder if straight couples even think about these things when they’re planning their wedding. It seems like they have the luxury of getting married just for love, and being able to share that love and special day with their loved ones.

These rights have nothing to do with religion. They have nothing to do with “traditional marriage.” There’s one thing that I wish opponents of gay marriage would ask themselves. “Would you force your child to live like that? Would you leave your own child completely abandoned by the law in any of those scenarios?” I know most of them would say no. If that were true, why would they wish that on anyone else’s child?

In many places we can still be fired for being gay. We can be denied housing for being gay. Until 6 years ago, I could be arrested for having consensual sex in the state of Texas. Soldiers are discharged everyday for being true to themselves. Those that are not, those that hide, are often subjected to the most brutal abuse and torture. They can’t speak out, because if they do they get thrown out.

No human being should ever have to endure these things, whether they are gay or straight.

I’ll close this by saying that when marriage is used as a weapon against some, it demeans and lessens all marriages. When someone is attacking gay marriage, they are attacking all marriage.

Thank you all for reading. I hope you pass these words on. When I was talking to my friend the other night, it occurred to me that not everyone is aware of why gay marriage is so important to us. I hope this helps people understand.
 
 
venusunfolding
25 August 2009 @ 07:00 pm
I think I got it all figured out. Everyone on my friend's list should be able to see everything. If you can't, let me know. (the internets are hard!)
 
 
venusunfolding
24 August 2009 @ 10:42 am
I've set my journal to friends only. If you want to be added, just shoot me a comment.